So, you've made the decision! You've finished recording your album and it's the "best" - it deserves to be heard by the world and you're deserving of the adulation afforded to the creation of such a masterpiece! Of course, you know in your own mind that it won't be easy to become a star. After all, everyone says that the music business is difficult'. But hey, you've got what it takes, you've got talent, and this really is a great album - all your friends and family agree - so what can possibly stop you? What indeed...?
Whenever I talk to a band who are about to sign with a major label, I always end up thinking of them in a particular context. I imagine a trench, about four feet wide and five feet deep, maybe sixty yards long, filled with runny, decaying shit. I imagine these people, some of them good friends, some of them barely acquaintances, at one end of this trench. I also imagine a faceless industry lackey at the other end holding a fountain pen and a contract waiting to be signed. Nobody can see what's printed on the contract. It's too far away, and besides, the shit stench is making everybody's eyes water. The lackey shouts to everybody that the first one to swim the trench gets to sign the contract. Everybody dives in the trench and they struggle furiously to get to the other end. Two people arrive simultaneously and begin wrestling furiously, clawing each other and dunking each other under the shit. Eventually, one of them capitulates, and there's only one contestant left. He reaches for the pen, but the Lackey says "Actually, I think you need a little more development. Swim again, please. Backstroke". And he does of course.
